I want to die. Enough said. Good night.

Life is Sucky

I don’t really know what it is but there is this hollow feeling inside of me. Its like I am missing something and I cant find it. I thought that talking to a bunch of guys might help and it did for a while. I felt wanted but that just isn’t enough anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just feeling like staying in bed and sleeping all the time just so I don’t have to feel it. Although my dreams cant always protect me either. I have woke up multiple times because that feeling got so strong even in my dream. Why am I even here? I don’t understand what it is that is making me feel this way. I have been used and called so many names over the past few weeks that I just want to break down. I have actually broke down and cried a few times here lately. I took myself off of the depression medicine and im realizing what it was suppressing and I kinda want to go back to being numb. I try so hard to get people to like me and to make friends and all it ever does is cause more and more people to hate me. I guess im just annoying and stupid to all of them.. I don’t really know. All I know is that I am ready to turn 18 so that I can leave this place and never look back. I don’t want to be around these people. I don’t want to be around people at all really. People are heartless and cruel and I want nothing to do with them. Everything at this moment sucks and I don’t know what to do to make it better.

Whirl Wind of Emotions

Im not sure what to think anymore. My emotions are going insane. I don’t know how to feel anymore. My ex randomly asked if I would be his wifey someday. Seriously? Why would he ask such a stupid question? Then we preceded to have an argument about things from the past that really got me stressed out. Then there is this other guy that is nice at times I guess but I think he just wants in my pants which is just slightly annoying. I mean it is partly my fault because I can be really stupid at times. He claims that he wants to be my bf but once again I think its mostly about what is between the legs. He doesn’t seem to want to get to know me. He doesn’t seem to really care. I just never know what to do anymore. I miss the days where I had everything under control.

Down Fall

Well I lost him. Not that I didn’t see it coming. The thing is now I think I am sliding backwards. There is a huge chance that I will try things again with my ex. The only thing keeping me from doing that was K. I feel like shit. I just want to give up. I always seem to fuck up the things that are good in my life. I am just sick of everything. My life is so fucked over that I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe its just time to finally give up completely?

My Little Sister

My little sister did something today that scared me. She got made at herself and started hitting her head on the table to punish herself. Now I don’t know if any of you find this to be a sign of something unhealthy but I do. I can see it taking a turn for the worst where she starts self harming. I don’t want my 8 year old sister getting into some thing like that. I know how it is and I don’t think that anyone should have to go through what I am going through. Especially not someone so dear to me. I cant stand the thought that maybe I have cause a little bit of self hatred she has for herself. She is so smart and a lot of people put her down kind of like they did when I was a kid. It hurts me to see her like this. She should not be feeling this way at such a young age. So in light of resent events I have started to teach her how to paint her emotions. It is far better to paint out your emotions than it is to hurt yourself because of your emotions. I am going to try my best to get her out of this rough spot that she is in.

Rant

So today had had an argument with my boyfriend. He thinks that its just jealousy but really im just hurt. I can understand a guy having a girl that is a friend but you don’t invite that friend to your house if you have a girlfriend. That signals warning bells and I will not trust you. He keeps telling me that she is just a friend but I really don’t think I believe him. I mean I really like him he is way nicer to me than most people but I don’t know if I can handle this. The thing is he sometimes puts me on the back burner so that he can talk to her. I mean I know she is going through a hard time but that doesn’t mean that you can just push me aside. If your going to do that then I am not sure that I want to be with you. Its as simple as that. I have been put on the back burner my entire life and I don’t want that in a relationship too. I don’t know I have a lot of things to consider. I cant put myself through what I did last time and I have a feeling that it is going to swirl into that before to long if it doesn’t get better. The last three night have been hell. Im trying to be strong but in this situation it is hard to do. Maybe if my pill dosage is upped it will stop me from going into depression.

Life

So its been a while since I have been on here. My life has been a real mess as of late. I broke up with my boyfriend and it turns out he was cheating on me. Go figure. Oh well he was a real asshole half the time anyways. So I have kind of just been whoring around. I even found my bracelet that says slut on it. I also had a recent visit to a mental facility. It really wasn’t that bad. It didn’t really help me with my depression or my cutting. I have still tried to kill myself twice since then. Sadly it didn’t work either time but if I had been a little more to the left the second time I wouldn’t be here right now. I am working on getting a job so that I can move out of my parents house when I turn 18 in five months. I thin about half the time my depression pills don’t work. My lows are the worst and they always happen when I am sitting at home. Maybe they wont be as bad now that I have my computer back. I don’t know though. All I really want to do is see my girl. Like I know that aren’t actually together but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be with her all the time. I miss her a lot. I just want to be able to hold her close. I’m not even sure if she loves me anymore to be honest. I have put her through a lot of crap the past few months. I got to see my best friend this weekend. It was kinda depressing because the last time I was there I lost my virginity to my asshole of an ex boyfriend. Other than that it was pretty awesome to see everybody. I freaking love her little sister. I am pretty positive that she is bisexual and she just wont admit it yet. I can understand why she doesn’t it took me a really long time to except it too. I am trying to think of a way to tell her that it is ok to be this way. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are born this way. Love yourself for who you are. Although that’s easier said than done because I cant even do that yet. I am working on it. Finding a way to love myself is going to take sometime. You cant just do it over night. It sucks.

Out In The Open

My mom found out about everything. It turns out she has been reading my texts. -.- It’s really upsetting. So now she knows that my boyfriend and I have had sex. So what does she go off and do as soon as she finds out you ask? She goes and sets up an appointment to check for STDs, a pregnancy test, and a pap smear. Therefore tomorrow is going to be awful. At least I will be put on birth control now so I shouldn’t get prego any time soon. It still pisses me off that she did it though. I am almost 18 and I like my privacy. So the fact that she read my text messages just makes me want to punch things. There was really personal things that I put in those messages. I am not open with just anyone. Especially not my family and most certainly not her. I am not my mothers biggest fan I never have been and I never will be. As a matter of fact I would almost say that I hate her. She sticks her nose in places that it doesn’t belong. If I had wanted her to know about some of the things I would tell her. I don’t want her to know me. I don’t want her to know the things that she now knows. She drives me fucking insane. I told her once that once I got out of the house that I wasn’t coming back. She thought that I was just angry and didn’t mean it, but I did mean it. I cant stand to be around the woman. She ignored me most of my childhood unless she was getting on to me for either being to much like my sister Trisha or not being like my sister Katrina. I have been compared to them my entire life and I am not going to deal with it anymore once I get away. She can try as much as she wants to try and fix things between us but it will never work. I have put a brick wall between me and her and it is never going to come down. The fact that she now knows some of my deepest darkest thoughts because she was reading things I didn’t want her too just makes that wall harder. I just have to make it through ten more months. Then I can move out and I don’t ever have to come back. I don’t want to see her for a very long time. I hope that she realizes that. I also hope that she feels regret for all the crap that she has given me over the years.

Secrets And Lies

So my boyfriend and I have a secret relationship. Therefore only a select few know about us. Considering my parents and the fact that he is my best friends uncle there is a really good reason for this. We have gotten serious really fast. He took my virginity after less then two weeks of dating. We get into arguments over small things, but I always make him talk to me so we talk it out most of the time. He is so hard headed and stubborn. He thinks that I am difficult, but honestly he contributes to that. He says things some times that I just cant fathom why he would tell me. Then today he calls me and tells me that his sister has been asking who he is with, and that she guessed me. Of course he lied and said no, but we obviously haven’t been being as discrete as we thought we were being. So I have been think about the way we act around each other and I am realizing how painfully obvious we have been making it. No wonder she guessed me. I am surprised that no one has said anything until now. I think she may have seen his ring that I have around my neck at all times. I don’t know how she will react if she finds out, but lets hope that its a good reaction. It seems like I am always thinking about the night we finally had sex. I am ready for round 2 and so is he. Lets just hope no one else figures it out any time soon.

Sex

When a couple have sex for the first time there is usually a connection that is made. A man can get the connection from just the sex. A lot of woman on the other hand need a little bit more. Sure sex is great, but in my case I get the connection by cuddling afterwards. When that doesn’t happen I feel like shit. I feel like I was just kind of used. I really hate that feeling, but you don’t want to tell your man because you don’t want to hurt his feelings or anything. The whole situation sucks.